Week 739: Lies, All Lies

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Dan Quayle was second runner-up in the 1959 Greater Indianapolis Spelling Bee.

So many candidates, so little scandal! Instead of chasing the trail of White House-hired burglars, political reporters have been reduced this year to spinning out stop-the-presses controversy stories over John Edwards's haircut and Hillary Clinton's millimeter of cleavage. Beyond the campaign, to be sure, the Invitational has profited handsomely from one person's tragic men's room misadventure (see numerous examples below).

But it's time for some new revelations, suggests Emerging Loser Chuck Koelbel of Houston. And if these politicians won't furnish them, we'll have to make them up ourselves. This week: Give us some humorous fictional revelation about a current or past political figure.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a presumably somewhat old "Politics Is a Drag" refrigerator magnet set featuring Bill Clinton's head on a youthful undressed body (nuhnuhno! We mean there's this undressed male body with Bill Clinton's head Photoshopped onto it. You people!) along with a variety of dresses, high heels, handbags and frilly hats.

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 19. Put "Week 739" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Dec. 8. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Kevin Dopart. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Russell Beland.

Report From Week 735

in which we invited you to enter any Invitational contest from Week 681 to Week 731, but were restricted to only one entry per contest. Not surprisingly, it was mostly the maniacally obsessive Invitationalists who methodically perused these old contests and sent in entries for dozens of them.

4. Week 684: Spell a word backward and define the result:
S.T. Eliot: A poet known for his scatological humor (e.g., "Let us go now, you and I, but not standing right next to each other") (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

3. Week 724: Brief verses summing up books, plays or movies: "The Canterbury Tales":
Whan that Aprill with rain makes England mossy,
'Tis good to make a road trip with one's posse. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

2. the winner of the horny-goat-weed tonic and tea: Week 688: Six-word stories:
"Goodbye, John. I believe the dog." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

And the Winner of the Inker

Week 707: Write something using only words used in "The Cat in the Hat":
I sat on the pot. I gave that man a bump -- kind of little kicks -- and then bent to show my hand. He said I looked for bad tricks. In my fear I said yes so that they would tell nothing and my mother would not know. Now I stand in shame. But I did not want to hook up! I do not do you-know-what! Man, I wish I had gone at home. -- L. Craig, Washington (Anne Paris, Arlington)

A Long List of Priors

684: Spell a word backward and define the result:
Frawd: A man with elevator shoes. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

686: Things to be thankful for:
Be thankful people don't have tails, or you'd have to wag every time the boss walked in. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)

688: Six-word stories:
"Hear tell you're the fastest gunsli -- " (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.)

I've never had a fourth date. (Tom Witte)

691: New clues for a filled-in crossword puzzle we supplied:
AUDI: _____ doody, the pile of scrap left after a crash on the Autobahn. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

698: Job interview questions:
From the applicant: "So what would you say if I told you my 'green card' has a picture of President Franklin on it?" (Russell Beland)

From the applicant: "So on my time card, would March Madness count as sick leave or religious observance?" (Howard Walderman, Columbia)

700: Presidential candidates' slogans:
Jeb Bush: Mom Says I Get to Go Next (Mike Cisneros, Centreville)

702: Unreal facts:
The spoon and the fork were both adaptations of the previously invented spork. (Russell Beland)

In addition to fear, dogs can also smell unresolved control issues with your mother. (Brendan Beary)

A camel can actually pass through the eye of a needle when cut into 2.4 billion individual pieces. (Doug Pinkham, Oakton)

704: Celebrity license plates:
Larry Craig: TRAPRJON (Don Kirkpatrick, Waynesboro, Pa.)

Larry Craig: FOOTLOOS (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)

705: Analogies:
Jim's prospects were bleak, like a Miss America contestant whose talent was gangsta rap. (Brendan Beary)

708: "Breed" two Triple Crown-eligible horses and name their offspring:
Giant Sequoia x Deliberately = Tree to Get Ready (Brendan Beary)

Seeking Affairs + Take It All Back = Senator Larry (Laurel Gainor, Great Falls)

Saint Paul + Seeking Affairs = EpistleInHisPocket (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

710: A photo featuring household gadgets:

"Good night, Mr. and Mrs., Mrs., Mrs. and Mrs. Warren Jeffs." (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

712: "Breed" two of the horses named in Week 708:
Creme de Meth + Popular Mechanics = Plumber's Crack (D.L. Williams, Bethesda)

Wyatt AARP + Orion's Belt = Old Man Quiver (Roy Ashley, Washington)

714: Company "mergers":
Halliburton merges with Blackwater to form Allied Casualty. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

719: International sports team names:
The Barlow (Canada) Underachievers (Russell Beland)

723: Cocktails:
The Kerrigan: Nehi and club soda on ice. (Eric Murphy, Ann Arbor, Mich.)

724: Brief verses summing up books, plays or movies: The Crying Game:
Kill a soldier, woo his girl -- it really isn't cricket.
He bowls the maiden over, and then finds her middle wicket (Andy Bassett, Picton, New Zealand)

727: The effects of moving The Style Invitational to Saturdays:
What had been a friendly rivalry between Bob Staake and Richard Thompson degenerates into a downward spiral of betrayal, revenge and death. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring)

729: Sentences in The Post translated into "plain English":
Original: "Isn't it better to tell you what I really believe than to change my positions to fit the prevailing winds?"

Plain English: In the latest poll, 53 percent listed "sincerity" as "very important." (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

730: Ways to waste time:
Walking the length of the Great Wall of China while singing "99 Billion Bottles of Beer on the Wall." (Drew Bennett, traveling in Beijing)

Primaries. -- H.R. Clinton (Kevin Dopart)

731: Ridiculous food preparation methods:
Freeze slices of pimiento with liquid nitrogen, load them into bullet casings, and use them to shoot the pits out of green olives. (Eric Murphy)

Read more Honorable Mentions.

Next Week: So, Should I Drive Like Your Brother? or Car and Drivel